(Isaiah 8.10)
Today, Lord, a very personal meditation.
I want to express my gratitude
for desiring a celibate life for me,
a life alone but for You.
You know well enough
how many times loneliness crushes me
I find it so hard to live by myself.
It forces me to look out of the window
and… day dream.
I am tempted to run away…
from You and from myself.
Sometimes You too hide yourself.
And then solitude becomes really unbearable.
Even though I go on my knees in my room…
You seem to be nowhere near.
I fail to understand these silences of yours.
I feel like crying.
And many times I did have tears in my eyes,
tears of pain and confusion.
But You are really good,
my Lord and my God.
Even in those moments of pitch darkness,
somehow You always manage to remind me
that You chose this solitude for me
because you LOVE ME.
Very much so.
You remind me
that I do not need to be scared to stay with myself,
that you wanted me to be alone
so that I could be closer to my brothers and sisters,
that there are many who love me and pray for me,
that my guardian angel never leaves me alone,
that there is a Mother whose name is Mary,
that above all I can never be alone
since I have You, who is omnipresent.
You remind me also
(and for this I thank you so much)
that You yourself many times found yourself alone.
People looked for you just because they needed something from you.
The apostles never understood you.
The Pharisees mistrusted you.
The Scribes criticized you.
Even your mother was far away physically from you in the last years of your earthly life…
All this consoles me deeply, Lord.
Because, You know very well that my ongoing prayer
has been and hope will always remain:
“would that my life be like yours”!
In everything.
Even in the cross.
Especially on the cross.
The cross that sometimes means
incomprehension,
criticism
ugly looks,
being put aside,
doubts,
pain.
Yes, Lord.
Let me live alone
… with You obviously!
“Yahweh would talk to Moses
face to face, as a man talks to his friend.
Moses said to Yahweh,
“If indeed I enjoy your favor,
please show me your ways so that I understand you
and continue to enjoy your favor.”
Yahweh then said:
“I myself shall go with you,
and I shall give you rest.”
Moses said to Yahweh:
“Please show me your glory.”
Yahweh said:
“Here is a place near me. You will stand on the rock.
and when my glory passes by,
I shall put you in a cleft on the rock, and shield you with my hand until I have gone past.
Then I shall take my hand away,
and you will see my back, but my face will not be seen.”
(Exodus 33)?